Posted in Writing

I’m scared

There are a few busy days laying in front of me. Today my new furniture came in, boxes and boxes of a bedroom and living room waiting to be assembled during the weekend. Hopefully we will manage to do it and move sometime next week – I didn’t even finished packing. Then, in my new bed and pillows, with the laptop on my lap, I will hopefully develop the ideas that run inside my head. Until then, my writing will going to be a little bit slow.

In October 2017, I’ve finished Light, my first novel. I had a tentative of editing it last year, which I failed miserably. And while I know there are so many fixes to be done to make it better, I stopped. Now I want to start it over, improving the process that doesn’t seem to work for me.

Continue reading “I’m scared”
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Posted in Thoughts, Writing

Hopes for the New Year

It passed almost a week from the New Year and once again I’m not feeling the rush of change, of starting all over again. The New Year New Me stuff does have no effect on myself, and I don’t know if I should feel worried or relieved about it.

I lay on my bed late at night, when the sleep refused to come, thinking of my life. There are so many things and non-things that I want for myself and for my family, there are so many projects I wish to complete that sometimes feels overwhelming. There are days when I feel I can do them all and others in which I just want to give up and abandon everything. As you might know from previous posts, this is something that happened with my writing and this blog.

While I have no idea on how my mood will be in the next day or month or year, I know that I want to write. And after so many sick nights when I could not sleep and spent them in the company of my thoughts, I know I will do it in the next year as well. Just in a different way than before.

One might tell me that I need more discipline in order to be a good writer. And while I know that is true, this is exactly what I will not do. You see, in the past I used to love to plan everything. The writing schedule, what I will do in each day, what I will have at the end of the month, and when my story will be finished. And it never went on like this.

I can’t do all that I plan all the time, and instead of getting motivated to work more, I get frustrated for not being able to do it. And the gap becomes bigger and bigger and end up upset and disappointed. I could plan less, yes, and still no matter how I do it, there will always be moments when I will not be able to complete my goals. Thus I changed the way I set my goals to give me satisfaction rather than anger.

I will write this year. I don’t know if I will be able to finish the revision for Light of complete the draft for Stone, I don’t know if I will be able to write daily – I can tell to that I failed that already since the New Year brought me a bad cold and I need to be moving to a new apartment in the next weeks – or even if I will share my work with someone. I will write as much as my time allows me, without neglecting my feelings, family or other projects. I will try to fit them all in as good as I can.

I will continue to write this blog. Don’t know yet what I will be writing here, if there will be stories or writing problems I confront myself with, and at this point I have nothing planned. I will write every week – on Mondays this time since the Fridays are kinda busy and I’m afraid I’ll not be able to make it every week. I will write whatever I need to talk to at that point and it will be related to my writing attempts.

I will try to not get frustrated about my inexistent writing career that I can’t seem to make. I will write with joy, for the pleasure of my soul, I will write the stories that speak to me even if they will never be heard by anyone else. I will try to not be so harsh on myself and on the world for the things I’m not able to do, but rather be thankful for the ones I’m able to complete.

If you came here looking for something in particular, I’m afraid I will not be able to deliver. Don’t know what the future will bring and all I’ll be doing this year is take one day at the time.

I hope the New Year found you in good health and spirit and I hope it will be greater than the one that passed.

Posted in Thoughts, Writing

Happy New Year!

I can’t believe this year is almost over. If I stop to think about it, time seems to go faster as you grow older. At least this is what it feels for me. One year which seems such a long time, one year when I could have accomplished so much and yet it seems I did nothing. In moments like this, I wish I were immortal. With all the goods and bads it can give, I need more time. I don’t know how much time I have on Earth, but I can tell you for sure it will not be enough. There are so many things I want to do that I feel overwhelmed and sad even thinking at them and realizing I will have to give so much up. I’ll stop here with the complains, I don’t want to get you depressed.

Like everyone else, I did my share of New Year resolutions in the past and most of the times they were already neglected by the end of January. I love planners, I love planning, it just doesn’t work for me as good as it does for others. Thus I’m not going to bore you with a list of all the things I wished I did in 2019 and by the end of it tell you it is still valid for 2020. Yes, there might be some recurring theme for my years, but trust me, there needs to also be an end.

My mind is filled with so many things I wish to tell you about how my year was, about the writing, about this blog that ended up being as messed up as my mind, about what I will do next year… Truth being told, I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t seem to always follow my own plan. If you care to join me in the new year, we will discover together what’s hidden inside my mind. One thing I can promise you, I’ll never stop doing what I love.

I will write, I will read and I will live, trying to get the most out of everything. That’s what I want for 2019.

I wish you all a Happy New Year. May it be filled with love and happiness!

Photo @Free-Photos

Posted in Thoughts, Writing

Time to move forward looking back

You can probably tell if you looked around at my blog this year that I’m a total mess. In my mind, in my life, everything is going south. I had worse than this year, but somehow it got to me in ways I wasn’t expected and that was reflected in everything, including these words I’m currently writing – and you are reading.

The year is almost done, it is time for reflection and a new beginning. I know, it sounds so cheesy since we don’t need a new year to start all over again, to create resolutions or going to the gym. Well, if you ask me – and you didn’t, so probably you are not interest on the subject whatsoever – this all new year stuff is just because of Christmas holiday. We have too much free time on our hands and start thinking of how fast the year passed, how we managed or not to do things we wanted to. And we start to dream and make plans for a new perfect year. The truth is that I’m now sitting in front of my computer looking back and asking myself how to go further.

Continue reading “Time to move forward looking back”
Posted in Short Stories, Writing

Desolation – A poem

A white sheet of paper
And in the middle of it, an ink blotch.
Black.
A splendid dream falling apart
In a sleepless night,
In a restless soul
And in a never ending darkness.
A black blotch which gathered
All the power
To live inside the dream.
To forget.
And to be forgotten.
Is like an unfortunate life
When you felt you had everything
And then,
In a frosty winter morning
When the universe
Is white and pure,
You wake up and realize
That all you really have is … nothing.
All your life and happiness
Are just a blotch of black ink
On a white piece of paper.

December, 2003

Photo @sid101