It passed almost a week from the New Year and once again I’m not feeling the rush of change, of starting all over again. The New Year New Me stuff does have no effect on myself, and I don’t know if I should feel worried or relieved about it.
I lay on my bed late at night, when the sleep refused to come, thinking of my life. There are so many things and non-things that I want for myself and for my family, there are so many projects I wish to complete that sometimes feels overwhelming. There are days when I feel I can do them all and others in which I just want to give up and abandon everything. As you might know from previous posts, this is something that happened with my writing and this blog.
While I have no idea on how my mood will be in the next day or month or year, I know that I want to write. And after so many sick nights when I could not sleep and spent them in the company of my thoughts, I know I will do it in the next year as well. Just in a different way than before.
One might tell me that I need more discipline in order to be a good writer. And while I know that is true, this is exactly what I will not do. You see, in the past I used to love to plan everything. The writing schedule, what I will do in each day, what I will have at the end of the month, and when my story will be finished. And it never went on like this.
I can’t do all that I plan all the time, and instead of getting motivated to work more, I get frustrated for not being able to do it. And the gap becomes bigger and bigger and end up upset and disappointed. I could plan less, yes, and still no matter how I do it, there will always be moments when I will not be able to complete my goals. Thus I changed the way I set my goals to give me satisfaction rather than anger.
I will write this year. I don’t know if I will be able to finish the revision for Light of complete the draft for Stone, I don’t know if I will be able to write daily – I can tell to that I failed that already since the New Year brought me a bad cold and I need to be moving to a new apartment in the next weeks – or even if I will share my work with someone. I will write as much as my time allows me, without neglecting my feelings, family or other projects. I will try to fit them all in as good as I can.
I will continue to write this blog. Don’t know yet what I will be writing here, if there will be stories or writing problems I confront myself with, and at this point I have nothing planned. I will write every week – on Mondays this time since the Fridays are kinda busy and I’m afraid I’ll not be able to make it every week. I will write whatever I need to talk to at that point and it will be related to my writing attempts.
I will try to not get frustrated about my inexistent writing career that I can’t seem to make. I will write with joy, for the pleasure of my soul, I will write the stories that speak to me even if they will never be heard by anyone else. I will try to not be so harsh on myself and on the world for the things I’m not able to do, but rather be thankful for the ones I’m able to complete.
If you came here looking for something in particular, I’m afraid I will not be able to deliver. Don’t know what the future will bring and all I’ll be doing this year is take one day at the time.
I hope the New Year found you in good health and spirit and I hope it will be greater than the one that passed.