Posted in Writings

Addiction

“You never know when it will start to eat you up. Just once, you tell yourself, then again once more after a while and by the time you truly understand what is happening, you cannot live without it. Like so many others before me, I walk into the trap with my arms wide opened. I became an addict, and in my case it was not a mistake. I voluntarily surrender to every drug I had.

I don’t know to whom I need to address this letter, I might not even know the person who will find it and maybe have patience to read these lines. Maybe it will just be tossed away and I will cease to exist and be forgotten. I was once a man with a family and friends, I had a soul to call when the night got dark. But they are all far away now, not by miles but by heart. I let all of them down, I sent them away. In the last year I found myself alone wandering around in the dark of the night. But now, after all this time, I found my light again.

I never believed in love or fate or other stuff like this. I was a man, I sometimes had a woman by my side when I woke up in the morning, but it was never serious. Love… you could love one for a time, but love always fades away. I wasn’t ready for commitment, I never wanted to get married or have kids. It was not my life. Until I met her.

It was not love at first sight, no, it was so far from it. I get annoyed by her childish behavior, by her everyday smile. She was a nice girl, not beautiful, not perfect, and every time I was around her I felt something. Sometimes I got angry, sometimes impatient and we ended up making faces on one another. We worked together and day by day she became more and more part of my life. Sometimes I would catch her looking at me and smiling and just for a moment time stopped. My heart jump out of my chest and I felt more for her. I don’t know if we just got used to each other or for the first time I was falling in love. But by the time I finally got the courage to kiss her, I was a different man.

I was happy. We were happy. Nothing else matter anymore, I just wanted her in my life every moment. I wanted to be there when she was sad, I wanted to be there when she was happy, I wanted to make her happy. And I did, or I want to believe I did it for a while.

Last year I drove us home from the Christmas party. I had just a small glass of wine, I wasn’t drunk, but I was happy. Singing Christmas carols together as the car slowly took us home, laughing and being us. I had the present in my pocket for the entire night, I couldn’t let it go. I was nervous and happy and so many things went into my mind as we reach closer and closer to that moment. I put my hand in the pocket just to make sure the ring was still there. I couldn’t wait for our life together.

I was looking at her when it happened. Just some ice on the road and the car spinning and spinning until it hit the tree. When I opened my eyes she was still there with me, barely breathing, with tears coming down her eyes. She smiled one last time and left me alone screaming my soul out.

I blame myself for what had happened, me and everyone else. If I… if… if. Maybe things would have been different if so many ifs were happening or not, but it is too late for regrets. Nothing will bring her back, nothing will just erase her from my mind and heart.

I did not know how to be myself again. How to live without her. I hated everyone who dared trying to make me feel better. How could I? I was alone in the world and for the first time I felt empty inside. An empty body going home into an empty apartment. I was torn to shreds.

I never took drugs before, got drunk at different occasions but nothing more. Now it does not matter anymore, whatever I have in hand I will loose myself to it. I wanted to forget her, to forget myself. It is easy to not feel the pain when you don’t know who you are anymore. Days and nights went by without even knowing. I had no job, I had no friends, I had nothing left.

Even the dealer refused to sell me more. He looked at me in pity and asked me when was the last time I had a good night sleep. You know it got bad when the drug dealer starts to get worried about you, but I was just a wreck and stood there begging for more. He gave me something, I had no idea what it was, I could not hear his words, I just took the pill and went home.

That night I slept and dreamed her. She was so beautiful and happy and she was right there with me. It was all just a dream, but it filled my heart. I switched a drug with another. I had no idea how they made it, but it always brought her back. All I wanted to do was sleep and dream of her. Feeling the love one more time, touching her skin and kissing her lips. I will never get tired of her smile.

I know, I don’t even recognize myself when I look into the mirror. I know I threw it all away, all my life, but you see, I have none without her. She was my drug, she was my medicine, and now I am just an addict crying for more.

Don’t cry and don’t be sad for me. I had a live and I felt love for what it truly is. I miss her every moment and now that I found a way to be with her again, it seems the only logical thing to do.”

He put the pen down and stood there looking at the piece of paper for moments. It was time, there wasn’t anything else to do or say. He put the pills in his mouth and drank the glass of water. They will finally be together, for eternity.

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